I Found My Smile Again
Writing a piece about my university experiences has been a constant fixture in my mind since my last months in my college apartment. Culminating the experiences that changed and remolded everything I thought I knew. Doing so in a neat outlining of writing, I could look back and be proud of was the goal. Ironically this piece of writing like many things in my life has been subject to change. The goal has changed.
When I first left Anson, County, four and a half years ago, the world was small. What I knew was severely limited by what I had experienced. Those experiences were also limited by circumstances. Financial inadequacy was one of those circumstances. Mix a country bumpkin mindset, and you have yourself a concoction for a bright-eyed, clueless freshman boy headed into the world of “false adulthood.” I use the word false because an adult is exactly how I felt. I felt that way without any of the experiences needed to qualify me as one. I was ready to take on the world at 18, a world that consisted of the confines of my college dorm and campus. I would like to highlight the DORM. Jones Hall, third floor, room 361. On my first night in that dorm, I got a feeling I have only felt twice since and non prior. The feeling was that of an overwhelming sense of mystery and joy. The mystery of what could be unburdened by where I have been, coupled with the joy of finally being away from Anson, County.
As the years of college would unravel, I naturally began to experience life at a new pace. I saw people through a new lens. I was exposed to things so rapidly, it could be easily related to a kid learning the pleasures of the world for the very first time. Unlearning the things I so intensely “knew” was the fundamental building block to unraveling these new experiences. My first year of college was truly the start of becoming the man I am today.
The next two years of college brought with it brand-new sensations. For the first time, I had an apartment to call my own. In true college fashion, this apartment gave me a liberated sense of freedom. Coming back home was a choice, not a necessity. The problems that I concealed well in Anson, could now be entirely avoided. I experienced many things this second year of university. I traveled, I got my first car of my own. I took my first real strides at becoming the man I know today. The following year, I dare say has been the most profound year of my life to date. I found myself in many situations and predicaments that fully tested who I was. Tested on who I could potentially become. This year at university, gave me an entirely new understanding of the word growth. I saw the highest of highs, which were almost always paralleled with the lowest of lows next to it. I was a leader among leaders on campus. I had my first attempt at genuinely loving a woman. I had family struggles that rivaled anything I had known to that point. I became a big brother and mentor to many males I saw myself in. To make an eventful year short, I felt “life” in every sense of the word that year. I experienced the side effects of a broken heart. I became accustomed to a fragmented sense of trust. Failure and I became seasoned acquaintances. Joy was a thrilling yet fleeting friend. That year tested me in ways that probably not much could. I became to understand that true growth is not a moment in time. However, I knew growth to be a collective of experiences that reveal true character. I’m grateful for that year.
My senior year of university was an interesting one, to say the least. Covid had ravaged my junior year. My last year would be ravaged the same. I always felt disconnected from my experience of school during this year. With my academic life being fully virtual, it was all too easy to put school as a secondary concern. With school being secondary, my personal life was promoted to the forefront. With this promotion, naturally it garnered more of my immediate attention. I dated a lot more expansively this year, with plenty of great experiences. I got on a plane for the first time. I began to let loose when it came to living in the closing months of my college career. In part due to the realization of letting go. I found out that holding on at times could do far worse damage than letting go ever could. Some of the strongest people in this world are those who know when to let go. I learned to value hard times this year.
So here I am now. A first-generation college grad. A coach. A black male educator. Never thought I would end up back home working, especially not as an educator. I guess I can call myself a traveler now, I’ve been to 14/50 states in the U. S. of A. I have influenced and I have been influenced. I have succeeded and I have failed. Honestly, I have done a lot in these 22 years of life I have been granted. In less than a month I’ll be leaving for the United States Navy, embarking on a career as a JAG Officer. Nothing about my life has been planned or if it was, it has deviated so far from its original course. All the twist and turns life has brought about, has made me appreciate the unknowns. It has made me embrace the life I have yet to see. How could I not? The life I tried to force, at every turn forced me to be something different. I know I’ll be alright. Through all of my many experiences, I managed to find my smile again.
